


The Lost Boys {CURRENTLY DISCONTINUED.}

by astrowrites



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Brain tumor, Comfort, Depression, F/M, FTM Dave, Gen, Low Self Esteem, M/M, MPD, Mentally unstable characters, Mention of suicide attempts, Multiple Personality Disorder, OCD, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Slow Build, The Lost Boys - Freeform, The Lost Home of Mental Illness Correction, Trans Character, Wow, a lot of hooking up, anger issues, bipolar, but it gets better, dirk is a sinnamon roll, dirkjake - Freeform, dont judge me okay, for like - Freeform, friends with benifits???, gamzee is a dick, idk - Freeform, if youre reading these tags bless you, im doing research but i also know a lot, it starts off really sad, its a thing i swear, jake is a cinnamon roll, johndave - Freeform, maybe some borderline smut??, not all schizophrenic people are violent, okay, one whole night, the girls are mentioned but this is a BOYS home, therapy home??, trans!Dave, trigger warning, what are these tags, wow this is really depressing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-05-23 21:22:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6130505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrowrites/pseuds/astrowrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider, and you want to be dead. </p><p>Your name is John Egbert, and you know you have an eating disorder. </p><p>Your name is Dirk Strider, and you're severely bipolar. </p><p>Your name is Jake English, and you're told you live in a fantasy world that isn't reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Constellations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4411934) by [H0mestuck (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/H0mestuck). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have commitment issues when it comes to updating writing but this is a vent fic so i'm expecting it to be updated pretty frequently.

   Your name is Dave Strider, and you certainly don't want to be here. You're glad they put you in a boys home, but you'd rather be dead than in a home for fuckups. Dirk, your twin, is also here, but only because he had a crazy bad fit. You're currently being taken to your dorm room, which is one in the special part where they have 24/7 watch on patients. Your roommate Jack, (or something like that,) is supposedly anorexic to the point that his meals must be surveyed, as well as his trips to the bathroom.

  Your newly bandaged and stitched wrists are feeling sore, and you're a little disappointed in yourself for failing. Failing, just like you do everything else. Your binder hid more cuts and burns along your ribs, but they don't need to know that. 

   Your suitcase hits the back of your red converse as you stop outside a shut door, raising your shaky hand to knock when your nurse opens it instead, leading you inside. You feel the dread settle in your stomach when you spot  _John_. (So  _thats_ his name!) He looks like he weighs barely a hundred pounds. Like, damn. You may want to die, but at least you eat. In fact, you're pretty proud of your six-pack. Okay, focus Dave. You shake your head to clear it, and head to the unoccupied bed. The nurse lady gives you a patient smile before speaking. 

"My name's Porrim, and I'll be your assigned therapist -both of you-, so come to me if you need anything. My office door number is 413." With that she walks out, shutting the door behind her. You didn't know you could do that, but you suppose the camera in the corner of the room indicates you're being watched anyway. 

   John opens his eyes to look up at you, and you're shocked by the color of his eyes. You think that if he had a better diet, they'd sparkle. His ebony hair and blue eyes compliment his tan skin well, if only his cheeks weren't so sunken in. "Hello." He speaks with a quiet voice, you just nod your acknowledgement. You assume he was told about your situational muteness. You aren't allowed your shades here, so your sensitive red eyes are exposed to the harsh artificial light. John goes back to 'sleeping'. You know he's awake, from years of fake sleeping experience. He has blue headphones resting on his ears, (that's another thing you're allowed during rec time; electronics) and honestly, if he weren't so skinny you might find him attractive.

   You hear shouting down the hall, along with pleads of, 'please sit back down.' and 'you're too weak to be standing right now.' There's a loud bang, and you're pretty sure the kid punched something.

   Pulling red sheets from your suitcase, you begin to get your side of the room ready, You're supposed to be here until you graduate, aside from visitations with your Bro, so you brought a lot of shit.  This includes posters, blankets, chargers, and way to many clothes and shoes. You're honestly a little skeptical about it all fitting into your dresser. You decide to copy John, and place all your shoes under your bed. Eventually you give up, laying down on the bed. That seems to be what you do best. Give up. Pulling out your phone, you decide to scroll through Tumblr. This was obviously a bad idea, because as a flash of bloody wrists passes your screen, you drop your phone. You knew you shouldn't have done it. Now you feel the need to be covered in the red substance. 

   Making sure John isn't looking, you stand under the camera, (best way to not get caught.) and rip off the bandages covering your stitched arms. You're careful, at least,  -you think you are- to stay quiet. You don't know why you're crying, you feel nothing. A void of empty souls. Pulling apart the black lining holding your skin together, relief flooding into you as you watch the blood well. Leaning into the wall, you can finally relax. 

   You didn't realize you'd fallen asleep. Not until there's a pair of hands and a blue eyes facing you. As your eyes lock, you hear him whisper, "If you don't want them to know, I need a favor." The shit is blackmailing you. You mumble a raspy 'fine' while wrapping the bandage around your dried wrists. Grabbing a hoodie from your bed, you pull it on. "Now come on, they're calling for lunch." With that he walks out of the room. 

* * *

   Your name is John Egbert, and wow is your roommate attractive. When his back is turned to you, you watch him change. His ribs are littered with marks and he's wearing a weird half torso tank top thing, but its okay because when he turns his body you can see his tight muscles. He is everything you wish you could be. You're too fat though. You subconsciously look at your own stomach, seeing only rolls of fat and disgust.

   You close your eyes and listen to Dave move around. You aren't actually listening  to music, but no one will bother you if it looks like you are. You hear shuffling and a thump, hoping he hasn't hurt himself again. Opening you eyes, you instead see him crouching and holding his toe, a quiet stream of curses filling the room. You wonder if he's purposefully so quiet. When he said fine earlier, it was so quiet you barely heard it.   At lunch when you asked him to eat your bread for you, he just nodded and pulled it on to his own plate. He just blankly stared off at the basketball court outside. You wonder then, if he plays basketball. He's certainly tall enough. 

   Standing, you tuck your headphones and phone under your pillow, walking towards the door. He makes a noise to tell you to wait, and you roll your eyes. Because you're both 'extreme dangers' to yourselves, you have to stay together. You aren't allowed to split up, not even for classes. He's only a junior though, so you think that maybe he's really smart. You head to the music room, hoping maybe some piano will calm you both down. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY  
> FIRST CHAPTER DONE  
> I HOPE YOU ENJOYED  
> COMMENTS MAKE ME WANT TO UPDATE FASTER  
> Social Media-  
> Instagram  
> cosplay- fantasma.re  
> fandom- shenanigankind  
> personal- owls.aesthetic  
> Tumblr  
> Ghostly-Terrorism


	2. Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly Jake is just  
> I wrote this with shitty hotel wifi and my phone, so someone please point out the many typos there will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no really please help me out w the typos.

   Your name is Dirk Strider, and you feel like you should probably shut up and play your guitar. Instead you continue to yell at the wall, whilst your roommate sits in the corner talking to a nonexistent being. He's sweet, and cute. But fuck if he's not crazy. Not that you're one to talk. After one last punch to the wall, you feel the anger slowly reside. Flopping on to your bed, you turn to the British boy and give a patient smile. "You alright man?" You don't know why you smiled, you're usually an asshole. Jake looks up at you with kind wide eyes.

"Oh! You're back! I've never had a whole person visit me before. Especially not more than once! Golly you must be a prince." 

"Well... I mean, I guess you could say that? My youtube channel is Prospit Prince." Jake beamed, pushing his glasses down from his hair, walking to you before placing a hand in your disappointingly flat hair. "You're real! You're really here! Well fiddlesticks, I've never seen someone quite as attractive as you!" You can't help but wink, finding that as one perk to not having shades. You can flirt. Shades...Oh! You make a mental note to visit Dave later. You're honestly a little worried about him. You may be a little unstable, but at least you don't try to kill yourself at every chance you get.  

   Your attention is turned back to Jake, who has moved to sit on the edge of your bed. He's playing with one of the pointless little robots you built, a bunny. You're pretty sure you named it Lil Hal. He's so adorable, he reminds you of young Dave. Back before Dave was Dave. Back when Dave was Dove. Seeing Dave as a girl had always made you feel odd, so when he came out as trans you easily slipped into he/him pronouns. 

   Jake is so innocent, even his 'visions' (that's what your therapist guy called them.) or 'fantasies' are young. Kingdoms and faeries. Why? Maybe because he lived on an island alone for years. You don't blame him for creating a whole new world, you probably would too if you were alone that long. 

   "Hey dude, you wanna go outside?" You've been watching him stare out the window for a few minutes, the metal bunny resting softly in his fingers. You really wouldn't mind going with him, it's cute to watch. You don'y  _have_ to stay with him like Dave and John do, but it's prefer'd so he doesn't get lost. Your room isn't like Dave's, it's not watched at all times. He grins and holds the trinket up, asking if he can keep it. You happily say yes, taking joy in the grin that takes over his face. His emerald eyes sparkle with something you haven't seen in yourself for a long time.   

   It's nice outside, you sit on a patch of clovers and watch Jake chat with a rose. He's so happy like this, you'll be sad to see it go when he's placed on meds. Wondering what he's like without the 'crazy',you pull a few of the white flowers in the clover out and play with them, staining your hands. Jake stands to walk to you, and you watch as he wobbles from tired legs. You wonder if all of him is this innocent. If there's any dark to his light.

   Looking to the court, you decide to text Dave and invite him to play. He used to, back before the depression hit. And back before you two realized how fucked up you both were. You text Dave to bring his roommate outside so you can all hang out before group therapy. 

* * *

  Your name is Jake English, and you lay down in the clovers next to Dirk. The flower to your right says hello, and you answer happily. There's a faerie sitting on Dirk's shoulder, you're pretty sure he doesn't see him. Dirk is texting someone, you assume his brother because when he walks out of the main hall doors, his head is bent down in an attempt to see the screen. 

"Yo, Dave! Get your ass over here and play a game with me." Dirk yells out to Dave, holding up a basket ball. You watch as Dave hands his hoodie to the boy in blue next to him, who you assume is his roommate. Dave nearly tackles Dirk trying to grab the ball, but in mind is much smaller and fails miserably. The other very, very skinny boy is sitting next to you with Dave's jacket on, and you believe he may be cold due to his lack of _any_ body fat. Whilst Dave and Dirk nearly kill each other with hard throws and elbows, you try to converse with the quiet boy. "So chap, you're real right? I'm assuming so because Dave touched you. What's your name?"

"John. John Egbert."

"Well nice to meet you, John! I'm Jake." You stick your hand (that a fae has used as a chair) out to shake his. He sets a frail hand in yours and shakes softly, before pulling away. You set the creature still in your hands on a daisy and stand. "Dirk! I'm going to the room. I think I know where I'm going!" 

   Dirk shoots you a worried look, but allows you to go off on your own. 

* * *

   Your name is Dave Strider, and at moments like these, you can remember why you once wanted to live. The feel of a basketball under your hands. The laughing of your brother. The cheering of John when you do something cool. It fills you with warmth.

   After an hour you're sweating, hard enough to see John wrinkle his nose when you pat him on the back. Your binder feels a little tight, but you figure it'll be fine. Dirk needs to go find Jake, so your roommate tells you you need to shower. "Seriously, Dave! You can't go to group like that!" Were his exact words. It makes you smile a little. 

   As you two head to the showers, John slips into your room to grab you a towel and clothes. He's still wearing your hoodie, but you don't mind at all. He actually looks pretty cute with it on. Shaking that thought from your head, you thank him for grabbing your stuff as you head to the bathrooms. People under watch like you guys aren't allowed private bathrooms. It's considered a 'hazard'. Because you totally have a will to _drown_ yourself.

   You step into the shower and pull the curtain around you, John sitting on a stool with his phone. He's on tumblr, you can tell. "Yo, add me on that social media shit. TurntechGodhead. On all of it." Speaking that much physically hurt your throat. You decide it'd be best to just...stick to yes or no's until you've worked more with Porrim. Squeezing some shampoo into your hand, you see John type something in. Seconds later, your phone pings with a new notification. You didn't actually expect him to do it, he's been an ass for part of your stay already. 

But maybe you guys will be friends.

Maybe you'll get through this together. 

   

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope You Enjoyed! I can't promise to always update this often, but I'm already happy with results and feedback!  
> Social Media-  
> Instagayyy-  
> cosplay- prospit.prince  
> personal-owls.aesthetic  
> fandom- shenanigankind  
> Tumblrrr  
> Ghostly-terrorism (i think? i usually hardly use it.)  
> I'M ON A COSPLAY BlOG :P  
> ask-the-witchstucks (I'm dave ;P)  
> Youtube- Prospit Prince  
> HAVE A NICE DAYYYY!!


	3. Chapter 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SHORT BUT IT'S GONNA BE UPDATED AGAIN THIS WEEK LIEK MAYBE EVEN TONIGHT SO DON'T WORRY OK BYE

You feel guilty.

So, inexplicably, gut wrenchingly guilty. You're scared to tell Dave. Scared he'll get mad.

He'd deserve to get mad.

You're an awful, disgusting roommate.

How could you do this to him?

He had just started to trust you, to open up, _to mutter quiet phrases just enough that you could hear his deep voice_. 

You'll miss his voice.

Right now, he's sleeping.

You decide you don't want to break his trust _and_ wake him, so you just plug your headphones into the keyboard your dad brought you and begin to play. It's different from your calming tones. It's sporadic and jumpy. You play on. 

* * *

"Dave I-" You stop, the look in his eyes causing the lump in your throat to swell. You've known him a month now. He usually only looks at Karkat like that when he says something pissy. 

"Save it. You knew I wanted to see him." His voice is scratchy.

"I'm worried about you! Was I just supposed to lie?!"

"YES!" It's the first time he's ever yelled, much less at you. It's truly terrifying.  You can't believe you've done this. You  _knew_ he wanted to go with his twin to visit their brother. You should have known to lie. Why'd you say yes? Sure, you're worried, but did you really think Dirk would let him hurt himself. You nod, to no one in particular, and sit on your bed, pretending to look away from him. He pulls out the journal Porrim makes him keep, and you shift your eyes away as he scribbles something. Slamming it back in the box, he stands. "I'm going to piss.  _Don't_." His piercing eyes sit you back in your spot as he walks out angrily. You know you shouldn't, but you're even more worried now. 

You dial in the combination, (Dave doesn't know you know it,)  and pull out the red composition book, opening it to the first page. Inside, there's a list. (Noting his handwriting is very neat.)

_Dave's Reasons To Live._

_1)Dirk._

_2)Jake._

_3)Karkats laugh._

_4)_ _~~John.~~ How could he do this to me?! _

_5)Basketball._

_6)Shitty movies._

_7)T shots._

_8) **Bro**_

You shut the book, tears welling in your blue eyes. You're the worst person.  _Ever_. 

Putting everything back, you learn that you hate yourself a little more. 

* * *

 

You don't eat dinner that night. 

Or sleep, just watch Dave. 

Breakfast is a bite of eggs and watching Dave sit at a table alone in the corner. 

Lunch is watching him eat and whisper to Dirk. 

Group is sitting in silence even when Karkat makes a joke. 

Dinner is nothing. 

You repeat this cycle for four days, and feel the guilt grow as your stomach shrinks. Dave sits next to Karkat and his clown makeup bearing friend while Dirk is with Bro. 

Dave seems to have a deal with Porrim. Every night she checks his arms, legs, and ribs, (she always blocks your view, and you wonder why. It's not like you haven't seen a shirtless dude before.) and every night he's cleared. He has a countdown on his calendar, marking off the days with a quick red slash. (Red seems to be his favorite color, you note.) At the end of the month, there's an excited looking ' **BRO!** '

You suspect if he stays mark free a month, he gets to go with Dirk for a weekend. 

Monday morning, a week after your betrayal to Dave, you can't seem to move. You hear Dave groan from his bed as the alarm blares, and you're almost tempted to call him for help. 

But you don't  _deserve_ his help. 

You take a deep breath and muster enough energy to turn off the alarm, hearing Dave mutter a sarcastic " _thank you."_ Before he stands. He always wears really baggy clothes to bed, before going to change in the bathrooms. You wait till your roommate is gone before you try to stand. The world is spinning, it has to be.   
Oh look, the ground decided to grow. Taking a step, you feel yourself lose your balance and fall towards the nightstand. 

The last thing you see, your bedside table, with a particular splatter of red at the corner. The last thing you feel? A splitting pain to the back of your head and your shoulder. The last thing you hear? Dave's panicked, scratchy scream for Porrim.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;-;


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dialoges  
> this is really just kinda fillers because im busy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two posts in a row? Wow Owl, you're on a role!

He paces.   
He cries.  
He blames himself.   
He cuts.  
He is you.  
You are Dave Strider. 

You don't leave the hospital for three days, not until Dirk is sent to pick you up. He hugs you tight and tells you it isn't your fault. 

But it is. It really is. John was just looking out for you, caring about you. And you cut him off for a week. Sure, you were mad, but you shouldn't have ignored him for it. You don't feel guilty about slicing open the skin on your already hated breasts. God, you hate yourself. Your body, mind, and now you've hurt John. Your testosterone shots have shrunken your gross tits a little, but they're still noticeable if you aren't wearing a binder or baggy shirt. You sigh. Porrim won't find out about it, so you'll still see Bro in a week. 

John, however, still hasn't woken up. It's been two weeks, and he still hasn't woken. You return everyday after classes, and Karkat comes with you after group on the weekends. There's get well cards all over the table in John's hospitable room, left there by friends, his dad, older sister, cousin, and everyone in your group at Lost Boys. When you asked why the blue eyed boy hadn't stirred, the doctors told you his body was trying to heal. He had to get stitches on the back of his head where he split it open. Deep. And his shoulder was in a sling, shattered from the lack of body fat to cushion the fall. 

His beautiful black hair had to be shaved down to a buzzcut so they could place the eleven (?!) stitches on his head without worrying about infections. You already miss the curly mess. Turns out his hair really does grow fast though. Half an inch in two weeks. 

His dad doesn't blame you, neither does Jane, his older sister, or Jade, his cousin. 

Its Thursday of week three that his hand moves in yours. It's faint, and could just be a twitch, but it wakes you. You look at him with wide eyes behind your shades, (Florescent lights kill your eyes.) and you lean forward. His eyelids are moving. He's gained weight under the care of professionals, his cheeks are almost normal looking from a few meters away. 

"John." You whisper it. His dad looks your way, tired eyes seeking any movement in his son. Dirk moves from the doorway, shoving his phone in his back pocket. 

You say it again, and his fingers move. His dad puts his laptop down to walk to the bed. 

On the third time, his eyes flutter. 

"Dave?" You nearly sob in relief, hugging him while trying not to touch his injured shoulder. His dad does the same after you. 

He looks concerned, but you are fine. Good. Great now that he's awake. Dirk smiles at you from his spot at the door, waving you over. 

"I gotta go Egbert. I'll be back tomorrow. Promise." You kiss his forehead, (you aren't sure why,) and grab your jacket. 

"Yeah. Bye Dave." He waves a weak hand and turns with a guilty look to his dad. 

The car ride back is less than pleasant.

"It's my fault." 

"Dave, you know it isn't." Dirk drums his fingers on the wheel. You aren't allowed to drive alone. 

"It is! I ignored him! Didn't make sure he was eating. God I'm the worst friend." 

"Friend? You've never kissed Jake or Karkat on the forehead." 

"I've kissed you." You didn't think before saying that. There's silence for a moment before your twin clears his throat. 

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that." 

"Not talking about it doesn't change anything. We were both fucked up and broken. We did messed up shit. We can't change the past, Dirk, but I sure as hell ain't gonna tell Jake or John." Dirk's hands tighten on the wheel. 

"DAVE. STOP." You grip the car door, taking a deep breath.

"Don't yell at me for tellin' the truth." 

"I'm sorry, look, yes, we both messed up, whatever. We both vowed to never do it again and that's  _it."_

You're both silent the rest of the way back. You're both right. You hate yourself a little more now. 

When you get to your room, Porrim is waiting. You strip off your shirt and jeans, sitting on your bed in only boxer briefs and a binder. 

"You're doing well, Dave." Her eyebrow has a new piercing. 

"Guess so." You don't look her in the eyes. 

"Well, you've passed today. How're your shots going?" 

"Fine. After this months period-" You pause to give yourself a disgusted look. It should be in a week. You hate it. 

"It should be the last, that's what the doctors said, anyway." 

"I'm proud for you, Dave! You deserve it." She ruffles your hair, and is out of the room in a few seconds. 

You bury yourself in John's blankets, (You've been sleeping in his bed, Porrim promised she wouldn't tell.) taking in a deep breath and closing your eyes.

Sleep comes easy for once. 

You dream of happiness and a time when you and your brother met Jake and John in a normal school, Karkat isn't dying, and you aren't as dead inside. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1) Dear gOD I AM SO SO SORRY  
> I DIDNT MEAN TO BE GONE SO LONG UH
> 
> 2) happier times maybe? A much needed Karkat scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATES MORE FREQUENTLY BLESS  
> Okay its not as long as i'd like but im working on it  
> Ps ill start putting trigger warnings in the beginning ok?ok  
> Hi my name is Owl, and if you'd like to talk to me, you can message me on instagram @ woodlandprince OR ProspitPrince :)

John returns home after a week of healing at the hospital, and (though you'd never admit it) it sparks a flame of happiness in your heart to see Dave so excited. He follows him around like a lost puppy, and John doesn't seem to mind. You sit with them at breakfast, and scowl at John when he picks at his eggs. "I swear to every fucking god I can think of Egbert, shove that food into your pathetic mouth before I do it for you." He looks at you with a glare, but opens his mouth and pushes in a forkful. This seems to satisfy Dave.  Your head hurts a little, but now more than ever it's been happening. You're honestly a little scared, even if you pretend not to be. This tumor in your brain could kill you in any moment. You sigh, rubbing your eyes with your sweater sleeves and taking a deep breath. Dave sets down his red composition book with a concerned look, biting his lip. He still doesn't really talk to anyone but Dirk and John, but you enjoy teaching him Sign Language with Sollux. Speaking of, you have no clue where your new roommate has disappeared too. Last time you saw him, he was mumbling about some chick named Aradia and how it was 'all his fault.' You note to talk to Doc Scratch about that later. Watching as John finishes his small portion of eggs and Dave finishes writing, you set your fork down. "You asshats want to go outside? I think Dirk and Jake are out by the court."

* * *

 Watching Dave play with his brother is one of the few things that makes you laugh anymore. Their playful shoving and John/Jakes cheering is quite the combination, especially when Dave comes up to John, all sweaty, and hugs him. It makes you sad to think that some day, possibly soon, you will no longer be present to watch it all go down. They always offer to let you play, but jumping around exhausts you quickly, and you'd rather just snapchat videos of them to your friends. A shout catches your attention, and your gaze snaps up to see Dirk tackling his twin, John's motherly concern calling out, "Careful!" and Jake looking up at them from the hunting knives he's cleaning. He's only allowed to have them during rec hours, under supervision, with at least three other people present. Sometimes, you silently worry about Dave getting ahold of them, but he's been doing better. His journal is almost always at his side, just like John and Dirk. Secretly, you're pretty sure Dirk and Jake are dating. Or something of the sorts. After making sure no one is hurt, you go back to rubbing your head and texting (arguing) with your brother Kankri. Despite the little progress with John, it's still progress. Jake has been on medication for nearly two weeks, and he isn't much different other than he now believes Dirk really is real. Dirk, however, will be released in a month if he's still doing as well as he is. He promises to come visit you guys every weekend, though. You smile, setting your phone down and watching the boys play. 

 

* * *

 At lunch, you sit with Gamzee and Sollux, discussing the properties of Faygo that causes the "god damn miracle juice." You think that stuff is nasty, though you'll admit sometimes you'll sneak a drink of his blue cotton candy ones. You check back behind you and see Dave force feeding John, while Dirk plays his guitar. If you listen hard enough, you can almost hear him singing, it's beautiful. Gamzee follows your gaze and growls. He hates Dave. You aren't even sure why, he just  _hates_ him. "Gamz." You say, trying to get his focus. "Do you still want to go by the art room after lunch? Hurry up and eat." Right now, you don't have enough energy to throw in a colourful insult. Your best friend nods, shoving his sandwich into his mouth with a concerned look. 

* * *

Your name is Dave Strider, and you are not having this. "Johnathon Egbert you will eat this sandwich and you will LIKE it." You growl, holding his sandwich with a ferocity that causes it to wilt a little. John shakes his head, and you feel a little guilty about the tears in his eyes. "I-I can't. My stomach hurts, and I look disgusting." Aw. Babe no. You set down the sandwich and grab his face with both hands, looking him sternly in the eyes. (You forgot your sunglasses in the room.) "Listen." You say, voice stubborn. "You are beautiful. You may not see it, but you are. We all love you just how you are, and you need to eat to live. It worries all of us, even Jake, okay? So please eat, for us?" He stares into your eyes for a few seconds, his own watering, before nodding and taking a small bite. You smile a little, just a teensy bit. For encouragement. You're proud of yourself for being two weeks clean, and it's nice to be able to let John wear your hoodie without the nurses coming into your room to do a search. Porrim is constantly telling you that she's proud, even if its a small milestone. Dirk shows his love in different ways. After one week, he bought you a new pair of headphones that you adore. Currently, the only people in the group who are worried about is John and Karkat. You don't like thinking about it. Karkat is so fragile, but he hates to be treated as so. So you don't, not obviously. Gamzee hates you, for reasons you aren't sure, but he scares the piss out of you. He's an ass, and you have to admit he's brought you down on a multitude of times. It's okay though, Dirk and Karkat tore into him, while John stood in the background, arms crossed and blue eyes cold. 

* * *

 

"Hey, Dave?"

"Yeah?" You look up from your journal, over to John's bed. You got back from classes an hour or so ago, and you've been writing since you sat on your bed.

"Do you think they'll let me go visit Dad next weekend?" You chew your lip, waiting to answer. You aren't honestly sure. He's been doing better, and he's gained four pounds, but you do have to practically spoon feed him. "I dunno dude, hopefully. I think if you're still doing this well, yeah. They probably will." It's not a lie. If he continues to eat almost all of his meals he can be trusted around his dad. You still aren't allowed home alone, but it's okay. If Bro or Dirk is busy, Rose comes over and you play Mario Kart together. You love Rose.

"Thanks, Dave."

"Mhm." 


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oH boY  
> I need to update the tags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels rushed but im emotional and the plot needs to get goinG  
> feedback appreciated ->  
> "I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you."  
> To my moirail, who I know I'm falling in love with, this davekat scene (before the psycho) is for you, even though you will never read this.  
> TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> -Suicide Attempts  
> -Transphobia  
> -let me say it again  
> -SUICIDE ATTEMPTS  
> -Also i don't really know if this is a trigger but there are implications of sex here  
> If you are triggered by these things or are weary of reading these just in case, THERE WILL BE A CENSORED SUMMARY IN THE END NOTES

   Your name is Dave Strider, and you aren't one hundred percent sure why Porrim never gets on to you for sneaking out with Karkat at night. You know she knows, you have cameras in your room for God's sake. Anyhow, you love the campus at midnight. It's so peaceful, calming. Karkat is too. He may be loud and hateful, but he really knows how to calm you down. You're both currently laying in the dew covered grass, talking about feelings as you gaze up at the stars. Back home in the city, you can't see them as well. You focus back in to what Karkat was saying, nodding along.

"-I mean...I don't understand why people expect you to act on feelings, especially when you know it's not a good idea." He's got a point.

"Yeah dude, I feel you. I know I have feelings for John, but neither of us are mentally chill enough for that. We'd both end up worse off then we are now. "

   Karkat looks at you with sympathy, you hate sympathy. "Don't look at me like that. It's true." You hear him sigh loudly, but he doesn't disagree. He's drawing out constellations with his fingers, and you think that maybe if you'd met him first, you'd have fallen for him instead. You aren't sure that's much better than John. You two fall back into a comfortable silence, watching a plane fly miles above you through the dark blue sky. You know his condition isn't doing much better, but he doesn't like to talk about it. He's got anger issues, yeah, but no one can really  _blame_ him for it. He's got something growing in his head, who wouldn't? He's noticed you watching him by now, and you two just stare at each other, looking like a sick cliché romantic couple in a shitty romcom Karkat would love. The headphones on your ears play soft music, quiet enough for you to hear him breathing, and you move a little closer. Yeah, this is a really,  _really_ bad idea, but you're both trying to escape feelings. This wouldn't be the first time you kissed someone else other than who you really wanted to be. He doesn't move away, in fact, you're pretty sure he's leaned closer. "Can I..." You whisper, eyes flicking down to his lips. They look soft. He nods, and you close your eyes, pressing gently against him. He's warm, and just as soft as you though. He sighs, this time in content, and you pull yourself up so you're hovering over him for better leverage. His hands reach up and tangle messily into your hair, pulling you closer. You don't want to stop. You don't. 

* * *

"DAVE." John shouts over you, startling you awake. You groan, rubbing your eyes with the heels of your hands. The clock on your bedside table says its 7:21 AM, an hour before classes start and fifteen minutes until breakfast. You and Karkat didn't come back in until nearly three AM, stumbling quietly into the mess hall and off to separate dorm halls and showers. He's one of the two non-working people here who definitely know you're trans. He didn't give two shits, and you're grateful. John rolls his eyes at you, he's always been a morning person. "I'm going to go take a quick shower. Please try not to be late." He grabs his bag and clothes, and you're glad you're both allowed to shower on your own now. For the time being. You look around the room, throwing one (slightly sore) leg over the bed, waiting a second to mentally prepare yourself for the day, and pulling yourself out of bed. 

    Walking over to the full length mirror, you examine yourself in it with only your binder and boxers. There's hundred of fading scars littering your torso, arms, and legs, and a few you know will never, ever fade. Among those, are a couple small dark purple bruises. Pulling a red t-shirt with a gear on it, and black skinny jeans, you deem yourself okay enough to head to breakfast after running your fingers through your slightly curling hair and pulling a beanie on. You carelessly toss your bag over your shoulder, leaving John a note that you've already headed to breakfast. 

* * *

"David." 

"Just Dave." 

"Well, Just Dave, do you think you are capable enough to pay attention to the board for a few seconds and tell me what the answer to number four is?" Your eyes snap up to the equations and map them out in your head. You may not be as smart as Dirk, but you're still pretty damn smart. "Seven." You say, before looking back down to your notebook and writing out more lines to the song you're working on. The teacher leaves you alone after that. Dirk is giving you a look that might be pride, John is trying not to laugh. Why did they stick you in to a senior class, again? Who knows. 

* * *

"Strider." You hear a voice that makes the hair on the back of your neck prickle, snarled in your direction. You turn around, mid conversation with John, to see Karkat in an expression that says he's about to murder someone, probably Gamzee, while said man is staring at you like he's imagining ripping your head off. He probably is. 

"I'm sorry, you'll have to be more specific than that." Your voice is hard, and you push up your glasses so he can see your glaring eyes. Karkat is still trying to pull him away. Gamzee snickers. "What a pathetic little motherfucker, honestly. It's a wonder they let a little bitch in here, anyway." 

"Excuse me?" You snarl, Dirk's head snapping up from the video Jake was showing him as you stand, hands balled in a fist. You're tall. He's taller. 

"You heard me,  _Dove_." That name stings you, and you lash out, stopping yourself inches from his face, Dirk is standing now too, Jake and John are utterly confused. Where the hell are the nurses? 

"What the fuck is your problem? Leave my  _brother_ alone." Dirk sounds furious. He's more defensive than you are. 

"My problem is this little bitch thinking  _she-"_ Gamzee pauses to throw you a smirk, "Can just get away with fucking my little bro. What a worthless little bitch." It is a wonder this man is still alive, you think, as you eye the plastic fork on the table. Could you kill him before he got a chance to defend himself? Probably not, swords are more your thing. John is stunned, trying to work out what's going on in his head. Karkat looks almost as mad as Dirk does. 

"I don't really think it's any of your business what I do or don't do. Besides, are you really that jealous?" You probably shouldn't have said that. After seeing the rage in his eyes, you know you  _really_ shouldn't have said that. 

"You're just a suicide fail, you can't even do THAT right, you really fucking think you're worth him? Or blue eyes over here? No, you aren't. You aren't even a real man, you never motherfucking will be. Are you going to lie to them? Your name is DOVE. You will always be a girl. You will never be enough, so do us all a favor and go kill yourself  _right_ this time." You're stunned. You know he's right, but that's not why you're stunned. The loud crack leaves an eerie silence as Karkat readies his hand to hit Gamzee again. You also wonder how he knew, about any of those things. "Forget this." You mumble, picking up your bag and phone, leaving your plate as you run from the Mess Hall. Even if anyone tries to chase after you, you're too fast. You've always been the fastest in your family. You pull a paperclip you had in your bag pocket out, picking the lock to the rec room, slipping in and out before anyone can realize you're in there and out of the courtyard door faster than Doc Scratch can protest. 

* * *

   Your phone is ringing with calls from Dirk, John, Karkat, and even Jake. You turn it on Do Not Disturb and put your headphones on, swinging your legs over the side of the tree branch. You're ten, maybe fifteen feet up. The knives you had stolen from Jake stare at you. Maybe you should just go back. Gamzee doesn't matter, he doesn't. But what he said, it's true. You know it is, all of it. You never really will be truly you, is there really any point in trying? You'll end up alone eventually, too. Dirk isn't going to stick around forever, you don't need to inconvenience Bro forever.

That's all you are.

An inconvenience.

You pick up one of the knives, turning it in your hands. You need something hard to fix, something that can't just be fixed by stitches. You look down at your thigh. You could always...stab yourself. Would your brain let you? You take a deep breath, plunging the knife deep into your upper thigh, straight through the veins. Apparently so. You cry out in pain, but it's nice. You sigh, leaning against the trunk of the tree and closing your eyes, listening to the music playing in your ears.

Far, far away, the voices of your 'friends' sound underwater, as they watch one of the most important people they know start to fall from the tree, already peacefully asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap-  
> Dave and Karkat talk about feelings and Dave admits he feels for John but knows he isnt mentally okay enough for a relationship  
> Dave and Karkat kiss  
> Gamzee catches them and does really shitty stuff to Dave  
> Dave can't pull himself out of the depression and ends up back in the hospital  
> and thats it for today friends  
> I gave you happy, now i give you not happy.  
> ILY ALL HAVE A NICE DAYYYYYY


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell how guilty I feel? this is the third chapter in one week ;-;

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you haven't left the hospital in four days. 

Jake is really worried about you. 

You don't know why. 

You're fine. 

Absolutely fine. 

* * *

You look at Dave's notebook on the hospital table, having brought it if-  _when_ he wakes up. You pick it up slowly, pulling the orange pen out of your jeans pocket and begin writing. 

' _It's been three weeks since you were admitted into the hospital....It's been hard. John isn't eating as much, but Jake makes sure he eats at least a quarter of his food, tells him you'd be disappointed when you wake up and he looks smaller. He's actually gained another three pounds, we're all proud of him._

_Karkat doesn't get to classes much anymore. He blames himself, a lot. We all do. If we had stopped Gamzee....or run after you. I should have run after you. I was too busy yelling at Gamzee, John actually punched him. He was sent away, by the way. If you die he'll be charged with manslaughter. I miss you. We miss you.'_

   You notice that a few of the words have been blurred by tears, and reach under your own shades to wipe them away, setting the journal and pen down as Bro walks into the room with two cups of coffee. Bro looks even more like shit than you do. He hardly sleeps, claims it's the heart monitor, but you've watched him pace back and forth, asking the doctors when they think he'll wake up. They stopped responding with estimates and started only looking down, grim faces and murmured "Ifs".

-

   It's been a month and a half. You had to return to school, discharged from Lost Boys but still visiting every weekend. Your nights are spent at the hospital, with Bro and occasionally John. Karkat comes by every other day after his check ups and medications, you think maybe he still blames himself. You carry around Dave's journal now, it's the only hope you have. It wasn't the knife that did this. No, it was the fall. They say he hit his head just right, just enough to ruin everything. You just want him back. Jake spends a lot of time cuddling you, telling you he believes in your brother. 

You stopped believing in _when_ s and more in _if_ s. 

' _It's been too long, davey. i miss you. i hate going to school in the morning and missing your snide remarks, making fun of my hair. john is doing a little better, karkat moved in to his room so that he isn't alone. he sleeps in your bed every night. bro let him keep your hoodies and blankets, i think bro feels bad for him. the doctors are saying theres a little more brain activity. its hope, i guess. bro refuses to think about pulling the plug. im glad. i love you davey, please wake up.'_

You write to him every day now, and it helps. You now understand why he spent so much time on it. You're driving back to school having left for lunch, when Bro let you know that the doctors want to call in a specialist. Says his name is Andy Huss or something. You aren't sure, but you don't care, you want your twin to wake up. You won't let anyone touch his journals, only you. Partially because now your soul has been poured onto those pages as well, but you read a lot of personal stuff in there. Pulling up to the school on your orange motorcycle, you close your eyes and take a deep breath, clearing your head as you greet Roxy. 

-

' _d_ _ave, its been two months. that doctor guy is coming in a week. they say your brain is awake, but your body isnt. can you really hear everything we say? its crazy to think about, id feel trapped in my own head. i do anyway. i almost got suspended, got into a fight. john was put back on observed meals, but hes still alive. karkats condition has suddenly gotten worse, hes been in the hospital for a week. gamzee was arrested again, they say he'll be in prison for at least three years. jake is spending christmas with us. sometimes i forget that christmas is in a month. all i want for my-_ our _\- birthday is for you to wake up. is that so much to ask for? rose came by the hospital today, she talked to you about her new girlfriend for a few hours. Kanaya seems nice, she has a great fashion sense.  
much love- dirk'_

_-_

Today is your birthday, Dave didn't wake up. The specialist is supposed to be arriving tonight to take a look. You're with Jake, watching him shoot at targets while writing.

' _happy birthday dave. i had to buy a new journal yesterday, so i missed an entry. i hope your dreams are going better than my day. andy guy is supposed to be coming tomorrow, i hope he knows how to help. love you davey.'_

****Bro calls you before you have a chance to close the notebook, and you flinch. Your phone is making obnoxious beeping noises and you stare at it a moment. Bro never calls, he hates calling. Why the fuck is Bro calling? Your stomach flips, is Dave okay? _  
_

"Hello?" You speak so fast you're afraid he didn't even hear you. 

"Hospital. Now." Your stomach feels like a hundred pounds has been added to it. 

"...Why?" You're scared of the answer. Jake sets his guns down and sits next to you, concern written on his face. 

"Dave's gone." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THUS  
> MY PARADOX UNIVERSE STORY SERIES HAS STARTED  
> Also I'm working on making the chapters longer, idk if you can tell.  
> Please please please give me feedback


	9. Yikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read!

It has been brought to my attention that I totally forgot to post some kind of announcement. First of all, this is super cruel to any of you who may have been waiting for a chapter that may possibly never come. But!!  
I am no longer a part of the homestuck fandom { :( } and for the time being have no plans to finish this. HOWEVER  
H O W E V E R  
if I get enough requests to, (meaning, I know you actually want it) I will do a long (my style has changed) ending chapter that explains everything going on, and their future as well as an epilogue.  
Until then, I'm super sorry my lovelies but I do have a very lengthy Voltron fic coming out soon! :)  
~Emerith


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